Sunday, July 24, 2005
SOng : Mariah Carey " WE Belong Together"
I dunno whats wrong with me tonite. Its 4am and i have to wake up at 7am and i cant sleep. Even though tmr is a long day.. i haven been updating my blog for a week as i cant find time and i actually can just be awake at 4am..... just wanan say something that is in me.....
Its been quite sometime for me being single. Its not usual for me as ever since i was 15 , there wasnt such a long break from love. But this time , i am doing it for God. But i honestly do miss those times when i have ppl caring for me.......
Is it a test or trial from God for me? everytime testing me... i wanna only concentrate at him and yet he still gives me tots, tots of my sweet memories with all my individual gf. And till now , he still test me by letting me know that there is someone still waiting 4 me. This month itself is so tough for me, having to know that 2 girls are in love with me yet i dun wan to go back to my past again. I wanna focus and yet all these are appearing . I so long to felt the care and love from a gf but yet i have to resist it. I enjoy every bit of my life now, working at MOE , gathering with friends, gather with cousins, play soccer , getting closer to God and have my lessons like Bible study and guitar.
But yet i still cant get myself off these...... actually i stayed awake is to prepare the song sheet for tmr's cell and practise my guitar but then on e other hand , i dunno why , i just keep having tots on who i am ? The flirty and unfaithful eugene of e past..... today Pastor Kong mentioned abt talents and how at times ppl misuse it... It just blew me away... my gift of the gab given to God and i use it to flirt , to sweet talk , to melt a girls heart and yet at most time , i dun even know if i like them or not.
Now whenever i see a couple , i would just get hit ..... ever since i go to church . i realised that i wasnt man enough....... I get to realise the imptance of sending a girl home , the impt of keeping our purity , the imptance of respecting her and her body and if i should love her , i should also love her parents as much. SO many many things that i lack... i recall now... I always pray that i wanan be like Jesus..... so that i can be the perfect man for my wife...... coz i servce a perfect God....
I do miss her.... at this time ? i dunno .... but yet there is another that i miss... why so many ? i dunno .. i am still so fickle minded aint i ? Past few days ppl have been saying " who and who is seems rather close with u !" and " u and who and who got go on ? " or " have u ever been together with who and who" ... all 3 different girls and i may just laugh it off but yet in my heart , i just felt its rather shallow of myself....
My close sisters like jane and ko also felt that some of these girls get rather close with me ... but how come i dun feel it ? actually even melvin agree with my sisters.... but ... i dunno ... what have i done again ? *smilez* in fact , i like hanging out with the brothers... really close with almost all .. we really united.. and glad to see John from lighthouse at city harvest too .. lolx and in fact i am pretty close with 2 of his memebers who are gonna be leaders themselves.....
Is it true that guitarist will get close to God and get lifted to be cell leader very fast ... looking at jason , joel bay , willy etc... den why did jason tell me abt rising up? all along i tot of coming church to repent my sins and serve God but am i ready for this huge test ?
In fact at times now , i do still miss e old times where i just lay on e bed with my gf and we just talked and do nothing and relaxe... i think i am stressing out .. everyday just sleeping 5 to 6 hrs and have a whole lot of responsibilties and fellowship to do.
I pray that God will give me a indication soon.. He will prompt me and lead me out of my dilemma over stuff...
posted @ 4:07 AM
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